It seems to be my fair punishment that I cannot handle the situation
That I feel lonely, that it hurts so much, that it feels like a big hole in my body.
Okay god, if you think this is the right way,
do whatever you want with this little bleak life, I will comply.
Have to get over it.
Makes no sense trying to cling to it.
Don't know I can get over this bad thing,
I only know that I have to.
Well, good luck Tina...
Although I obviously don't want to be with him anymore,
there are some things that confuse me.
It's a very strange and uncomfortable feeling when I think about
me beeing on holiday or him alone, because we cannot get in touch then.
I somehow am afraid of beeing forgetten by him or someting.
I don't really know.
This is new.
The last time it was not like that.
It is so confusing and I don't know how to handle all this.
If I think about beeing with him again I still feel it is not possible.
But thinking about not beeing with him isn't good either.
And somehow I have the wish to write him, to stay in contact,
although I know it's probably not good for both of us.
I don't know what to do.
Why is every so hard, even now?
I made my decision, why can't it be just a little bit easier now?
I hate feelings.
Don't want to be tossed around by them.
I wanna do what I want and control all that.
Why is this so hard?
I realized that it does good noticing that
not everybody hates you.
Just a smile of a person, makes a good feeling.
Even if it is just for a very little and short moment.
I had a lot of bad moments today again, but this
is nothing special. And I'm inclined to just accent
the bad things.
This is probably one of my biggest problems.
I am a terrible pessimist.
But now I forced myself to hold those good things, too,
no matter how little they seem in contract to the sad ones.
Not everything is bad.
I have to make this clear to myself.
I have to learn to apreciate the good things.
